‘Oh, sigh!’ as she used to say

As I immersed myself in preparing excerpts from my early journals for serialization at the Red Barn this year, I found myself delving online for tidbits relating to what-happened-to-so-so in the years since. In many cases I was stymied because I didn’t know or hadn’t recorded their surnames, and finding anything from the early ‘70s could be elusive. Remember, that was well before the Worldwide Web appeared in 1995. Yes, that recently. As you’ll find, there are gaps in the online archives covering that period.

Yakima was a little less problematic, in part because I lived there longer and noted a bit more, but also because more of the figures lived long enough to receive online obituaries. I’m still surprised, and also shocked, by how many have fallen into that category. Well, this is a half-century later.

One character who has been rattling around in my brain was the “society editor” when I came onboard. Daphne, as I’ll call her here, was among the established old-timers who were less-than-enthusiastic about the more competitive, more contemporary direction the new managing editor envisioned. I, on the other hand, was a key in his thorough reorganization and refocusing of the newspaper. The situation came to a head with the creation of a photo editor position and the arrival of a whiz-boy of excellence in charge of the visual appearance of our daily editions. Despite her grumbling, or maybe because of it, her department soon lost its independence within the newsroom and its staff of three or four was reassigned to the copy desk, where I was moving up, or to the reporting staff under the city editor. Quite simply, Daphne soon found herself responsible to me on the organizational chart, and those pages, especially the Sunday section now known as Femme, were shifting from “women’s news” to more inclusive lifestyles topics, things like Taste, Style, Health, Relationships, Personal Finance.

I never knew quite how to take her. I assumed she had been brought up in the Happy Valley, since she had that locals-versus-outsiders attitude, but was surprised to see in her obit that she was born in Los Angeles and had arrived only a few years before I did. She was always fashionably dressed with a breezy flair, and rather flitted about the room, often with “Oh, sigh!” as her signature retort. (Can you handle these stories, please? “Oh, sigh!”)

She did trigger me to explode in the newsroom one time, something I wish to apologize for. I would hate to see the replay. But somehow after that, we got into a working groove. Don’t cross me, OK?

Like many workplace relationships, there was much I didn’t know about her. It turns out that she wasn’t simply older than me, she was 22 years older – making her senior to the managing editor and the city editor, too.

She had a kind of style that suggested a comfortable upbringing, which I found confirmed in her undergrad degree from the University of Southern California and membership in Chi Omega sorority (or women’s fraternity, as it’s now called). From there, here background story is one you wouldn’t believe as fiction or, for that, reality.

While working as a stewardess, back when they were known as such, on a regional airline, she was filling in on an extra shift when she was charmed by a male passenger from Colorado. Evidently, sparks flew. They married a month later and settled in the Seattle area. Apparently, it wasn’t a frivolous flash; they were married 60 years, till the death-do-us-part part kicked in. He had served as an Army-Air Force pilot in World War II and would eventually retire from the Reserve as a lieutenant colonel. After their marriage, returned to college to become a civil engineer. To round out the picture, he was a deep fan of Wagnerian opera and eventually sailed a small craft from New Zealand to Hawaii. He also was flexible enough to relocate inland after she was hired in Yakima. Upon her retirement, the resettled on a houseboat back in Seattle.

What I didn’t expect to find was her identification as antiwar, feminist, Episcopalian, Democratic precinct captain – all pluses in my book, although journalists generally stay clear of political party activity. Nor did I have a clue about her own passion for theater and music, including opera.

As one of her longtime friends summed it up, “She had a theatrical flair for costume and loved to dress up. She was among the first women who dared to wear pantsuits – albeit very elegant ones – to one of Seattle’s big formal events. We called her Brenda Starr after the then-popular fashionista/reporter of the comic strip.” Yes, I know about the comic strip, which could be rather racy – I later represented it for the Chicago Tribune’s syndicate.

Some big holes in her story do intrigue me, though. Her parents are not named in the obituary or related stories. Was there some scandal or big breakup? What emotions did she carry from that? How did it lead to the cavalier or chirpy mask she so often wore?

Nor do I quite see her as a mother, despite the one son.

Oh, sigh.

Passing through autumn

On Labor Day weekend, I noted:

Summer almost gone, haven’t really been to the mountains this year — is it Kitty (together only on the weekends, and thus me reluctant to take off without her?) or the fact I’m working so long and hard I just want to collapse on my time off, making hiking/camping/travel too much (circuit overload) or that my days off now coincide with everyone else’s meaning the mountains are crowded? I wish I knew for sure. Or even so much rain in the mountains on weekends, each one at least cloudy?

But this has been a good summer of reading, novels, mostly.

~*~

Somehow, every time I suggested we head off into the mountains, her answer was, “What for?” meaning no interest on her part. It always put me in a bind.

As she said on Tuesday: “Hope today was better than yesterday.”

“Jesus, did it!”

“Well, cheer up. I just checked your horoscope and Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday will be as bad as Monday.”

And were they!

 

While the Canyon Highway was slightly shorter, the alternative route between Yakima and Ellensburg (and on to Seattle), Interstate 82, took a higher elevation course to the east but was faster though less dramatic as it ran through largely sagebrush barrens. Still, returning to the valley on either end felt like landing in the cockpit of an airplane, especially after dark when layer after layer of dazzling arrays of civilization lights unfolded. Sorry I haven’t found images of that, though I’m sure nothing could match what I remember.

~*~

Pixaby image. The ground along the interstate was seldom this green (the photo was likely taken at the prime of spring). The green in the Kittitas Valley below was irrigated hayfields and orchards, mostly. Forests on the ridge in the distance grew far enough up the slope to be sustained by lingering snow and wet clouds.

Kitty called me at work to tell me she had found a new apartment for the upcoming semester.

“Expensive,” said she.

“How expensive?”

“$110 a month, with utilities. But at least I won’t be embarrassed to have you over.” Adding, “Since you like my friends, you may want to spend some weekends up here.”

And, for once, we talked about Mark. [Or was it Michael?]

“Well, maybe the new place will help you keep out of trouble.”

“That’s over, anyway. Don’t worry.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I don’t want to get a situation that brings me down, and he only brought me down.”

“You realize this is the most we’ve ever talked about that?”

“I know, Jnana. I love you.”

“I love you, too. That’s about the first time in eight months I’ve told you that.”

“I know, but I mean it. I sure enjoyed your visit Sunday.”

“Me, too.”

7:IX

Jupiter entered Leo on Wednesday, “personal relationships will be much improved.” Also, “You will meet very interesting new people and find success working with a partner.” Also, tomorrow, “Venus enters Scorpio, where it will remain the rest of the year. This is your Business House and indicates that your relationship with business associates will go smoothly. You may receive favors from influential people.”

But Saturday? “You may spend the day with a group or organization, but do not get along with the group’s leader. You resent people’s telling you what to do.” Huh, the UPI meeting?

And Sunday, when our Friends circle resumes: “Mercury enters Virgo, your eighth house. Your mind is once again focused on hidden or spiritual matters. You are eager to explore occult ideas.”

~*~

Journaling 11 September, [Monday] Port Townsend again, first day out on vacation. Half-moon.

[Note that the UPI trip took a day out of my vacation] …

~*~

15 Sept / Friday (wait, a full Friday off?)

What a lazy, wasted day!

Tonight, watch the Ali-Spinks rematch. [Was it with anybody else?]

Apples picked and gone once again / circles, circles with a bullseye wide as the universe

~*~

1 Oct / First-day, after Mtg

in the morning like, Adams and Rainier as corral pink as the conch shell vulva

my only tranquil moment within a long day

mushroom growing in our shower stall

11:XI

Hit with my annual flu-symptoms

2:XII

Kitty wondering why people don’t like her.

Call at the office from a friend from high school Her husband has taken a pastorate in Grandview, moving up from California.

~*~

From Spiralbound Cascadia with commentary.

 

The Muir ascent, especially  

Our landlords’ younger son and I hiked to Camp Muir, a 5,000-foot or so ascent in 4½ miles, then back again. Nearly all on snowfield with rock-pile islands within it. Amazed by so much alpine flowering within it. On one island, clear streams gurgling through moss and blossoms.

As I noted, 23:VII:78, Sunday [I’m assuming the climb was on a Saturday, now that I had those off]:

A stiff, hard climb. We both stopped many times to rest / catch our breath, then discovered that by moving slowly, in “rest step,” we made better time, even with still needing rests … we were passed by skiers who climb to the camp and then ski down, and by climbers with full packs. [how humbling!]

But we made it! Left the ranch at 3 a.m., stopped for breakfast and gasoline, catching the first pink rays on Rainier as we came through White Pass and then the first rays on Adams in Stevens Pass …

At the higher altitude, the sky becomes the clearest, deepest blue, almost the color of this pen but clear, like a dense copper-sulfate solution. (Ward would also mention this about his Rainier climb.)

Muir, “cloud camp,” is nearly Tibetan — two rock shelters in a barren, snowy saddle, plus a few other shelters for shitting, mountaineering supplies, and a ranger. Five ravens fly in, like hawks or vultures on battered wings …

 

Approaching Camp Muir from the Muir snow field, after Anvil Rock. Photo by David Geeraerts. 

How lucky we were to have a clear day. Only the highest clouds, nothing on the mountain itself. Adams, Goat Rocks, St. Helens all clear, even distant Hood. Above Seattle, though, the purple-exhaust soup rising perhaps to 8,000 feet. Fantastic views, too, of Nisqually Glacier, with its pale blue electrical ice …

I was surprised by the number of people we saw above timberline — 300, perhaps. Party after party, black dots working toward the crest or returning.

By late afternoon, the atmosphere thickened; we lost sight of Hood in the haze.

~*~

I loved using the ice axe I borrowed for this outing, felt it gave me so much control as we carved our steps upward in the slick cold. I even felt armed and protected. The ax proved especially helpful on our descent. We wrapped our ponchos around our butts and slid down the slopes, using our ax as a rudder and brake. Glissade, as it’s called, bouncing and spraying up snow as we go. Still, we got wet.

Despite sunburn precautions — zinc oxide over our face, gloves to protect our hands, wide-brim hats (“Say, Cowboy,” I address Anders), we were both burned on our faces by the strong reflection off the ice and snow, as well as the thinner air not breaking the rays …

And then, as we approached the Paradise lodge, the mobs of tourists plus rangers directing traffic, like a Central Park in Manhattan.

The tourists looked at us as if we were Bigfoot or space aliens. Zinc oxide? “I’ve been drinking the clouds.”

Later, I was surprised by how many skilled climbers go in shorts only, achieving the deepest of tans.

[I had forgotten we did that twice.]

~*~

From Spiralbound Cascadia with commentary.

 

In the end, it is a mysterious process

And you wonder what’s behind those stories?

  1. “Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.” — Neil Gaiman
  2. “Everything you could ever think of has been written. That’s worth saying three times. You’re not going to think of a new idea, per se, as far as plot or story. What you can infuse it with is your voice, because while every story has been written, there is only one you. We are unique snowflakes. Be yourself. Tell the story about the teddy bear who can talk, but give it your voice. Don’t try to make it Corduroy or Winnie-the-Pooh. Make it your teddy bear. That’s what you can give the world — give the world your voice.” — Drew Daywalt
  3. “I never tired of learning about the stories of strong women and finding a compelling way to tell those stories. I love to discuss the themes in the book — cultural standards, resilience, overcoming odds, equality, breaking barriers — so even when I’m tired, I’m always energized by the opportunity to have meaningful conversations around this work.” — Haley Shapley
  4. “An adjective habit, or a wordy, diffuse, flowery habit, once fastened upon a person, is as hard to get rid of as any other vice.” — Mark Twain
  5. “Acutely aware of the poverty of my means, language became an obstacle. At every page, I thought, ‘That’s not it.’ So I began again with other verbs and other images. No, that wasn’t it either. But what exactly was that it I was searching for? It must have been all that eludes us, hidden behind a veil so as not to be stolen, usurped and trivialized. Words seemed weak and pale.” — Elie Wiesel
  6. “The writing life is essentially one of solitary confinement — if you can’t deal with this you needn’t apply.” — Will Self
  7. “Dull, awful jobs like laundry, ironing and weeding suddenly feel like an urgent priority when you’re looking at a blank page that needs to be filled with a couple of thousand words before you can sit back and breathe deeply. … Writing is my joy, but not always; much of the time it is my job, and I have to write whether I feel like it or not, whether inspiration strikes or not. Th at is how you make a story unfold.” — Jane Green
  8. “Work on a computer that is disconnected from the Internet.” — Zadie Smith [Oh, but it makes quick research so much easier. I’ve definitely been relying on online dictionaries, for one.]
  9. “Sometimes the ideas just come to me. Other times I have to sweat and almost bleed to make ideas come. It’s a mysterious process, but I hope I never find out exactly how it works. I like a mystery, as you may have noticed.” — J.K. Rowling
  10. “But ‘constructive’ criticism irritates me. I do not object to being denounced, but I can’t abide being schoolmastered, especially by men I regard as imbeciles.” or “Explanations exist; they have existed for all time; there is always a well-known solution to every human problem — neat, plausible, and wrong.” — H.L. Mencken

 

Cherish the wilderness

Actually, contrary to what I would note later, I did get out into the wild that summer, just not nearly as frequently as I had hoped.

North Cascades

Summer Solstice
once again

Cornices — the snow overhangs at a mountain crest, hence the classical architectural imitation: capital, shaft, etc.

This trip turned into a pilgrimage to Snyder’s lookout experiences … Marblemount and Desolation Peak are in the mix.

 

Diablo Lake, in a Wikimedia photo. Ross Lake sits just upstream from it. Their waters really are this color, due to mineral “flour” that washes in.

The cross-state highway closed every winter …

Saw Forest Service packhorses going in at Mazama, two big trucks — up to supply the lookouts? Or pack the guys in?

Smokejumpers Camp and Airport 5

Imagine undertaking a journey where there are no road signs, no maps, no guidebooks — you don’t even know how far to the next town or inn or camp site with clean water. Much less a gas station, restaurant, or motel. You ask people and hope they know.

Now, for a spiritual journey?

23:VI:78

Vacation, at last — too exhausted to do anything (laundry in the washhouse, to free socks to pack) — almost afraid to leave the office, like a mother hen —

Still have to pack up (leave Sunday?), should I read or not? Swing around Montana, Idaho?

Sunday

After going to Thriftway, getting enough food for two weeks in the wild — things I never have at home — got cans of 7-Up, vegetables, soups, juices, puddings …

Wandered up along the Upper Columbia with tall alpine jagged escarpments dusted with snow behind and beyond the bunchgrass ridges over Wenatchee …

Hurricane Canyon Orchard …

The Yakima drops about 700 feet between the city of Yakima and the Columbia River — that’s a lot of energy siphoned into the orchards

 

The Columbia River threads past Chelan Falls and the beginnings of Chelan Lake on the left. A few orchards are nestled in along the river just below that. The large blocks are farmlands to the east of the river. Photo by Doc Searls via Wikimedia Commons.

Lady of the Lake, up Lake Chelan (original spelling was something like “Tslain”), leaves 8:30 each morning for Stehekin — barge takes cars up once a week, 8 a.m. Wednesday …

Friends Church at Quincy — half an hour earlier, I would have stopped — in blue jeans, red flannel shirt, and whiskers. [I didn’t yet know what to make with Quakers whose worship includes service by pastors.]

Vacation, reestablishing potential after being pushed against the wall. That is, freedom and cleansing. Leading, giving orders, following routine being functionary of choices already taken by others.

Somehow, the Methow Valley felt much like the trip Moon and I made up to Towanda from Williamsport, Pennsylvania, a forgotten land; here, silver mining gave out by 1890 …

Yet orchards surrounded by six-foot high deer/elk fencing, young trees staked up against the wind; even mature trees supported by lines of wire and fencing …

Twisp, Winthrop decked out as Wild West town — boom town clapboard false-fronts — me, arriving with “what-if” worries about home, such as fire … manuscripts and journals, especially …

Amazement of seeing two solo deer hopping, all four legs still, just the hooves springing all at once.

A single Douglas fir crosscut puts the felled tree at 1,335 years old. Rip ‘em out, they’re gone forever. As long as our up-teen great-great-great-etcetea-grandchildren …

Drove up over Harts Pass (6,206 BM) — nearly camped there in a patch between snow and a table buried within it, but whiteout coming in. Remembering how cold the Hoh was, the year before, along Pacific Coast,  pushed on to a site called Chancellor only to find, after a long drive bruising and cutting the tires, the road was washed out. Nearly camped in a secluded spot up there, beside a raging torrent of an icy stream, but noticed a bad cut in my left front tire and realized if it went flat there, I’d been in trouble … [this in the days before cell phones, much less any reception there] …

So back, up and over, to safer sites — of 16 Forest Service sites on the map, only two were open — the third one down was closed by a pile of rocks bulldozed up across the road …

 

Silver Star Mountain photo by Ron Clausen via Wikimedia.

Monday afternoon, Silver Fir Campground, Baker National Forest

Find a site beside the north fork of the Nooksack River, park my car, cross a footbridge to my tent and table … delightfully royal, sitting here in shorts only, listening to birds and water

[Note that I go off without her … maybe she had classes? No matter, I was free!]

Note of Coal Creek, Soup Creek, and Washboard Creek in the Cascades …

Drove up to the Baker ski area, then hiked six miles in snow up to see Baker, which was hidden behind a high ridge yet once seen, it’s a massive, overpowering, and heavily/thickly glaciated peak … Shuksan, at 9,127 feet about 1,500 feet shorter than Baker, is separated by an incredible chasm …

Hiking, God, how I hate switchbacks! Every step seems like my last (my mature poems, sez Phlum, will be sky blue and hemlock green with a touch of snow at the top).

Climbing to Welcome Pass, hoping this slope (sun-facing) will be snow-free — amazing problem for late June, “trail should be snow-free by mid-August,” booklet description of another path.

During the climb, some great views  of Mount Shuksan and its gorgeous pond way below me.

Keep hearing cascades but can’t see the chute —

At the pass, when the forest finally opens up to what should be sub-alpine terrain, I instead face a six-foot deep snow bank … where up from there, the High Divide Trail supposedly takes off — 6,000 feet elevation.

 

What I saw was something like this photo taken later in the season at Cougar Divide by Walter Siegmund via Wikimedia Commons. The three highest summits on the skyline right of center are Tomyhoi Peak (left, 7451 feet), American Border Peak (8026 feet) and Mount Larabee (right, 7868 feet). The highest peak left of center is Mount McGuire (2019 m) in British Columbia. The long ridge in the middle distance is the High Divide.

As I noted, what I beheld included an unbelievable valley below me to the north — huge glaciers on mountains I can’t identify. One mountain near here has a lookout perched atop; need my binoculars to see it.

Then stumble back down switchbacks — dodn’t see another person the whole trip.

“This is a very steep old miners trail.”

Riprap Creek flows down from Sourdough! (map reading)

28 June (Wednesday)

Realizing I’m 30, the next ten years being (traditionally) the most important in a writer’s career, and yet having the feeling I will stretch that, by shifting at 40, like Brahms from chamber music to symphonies, from poetry to novels (and perhaps a kind of Western, at that, from a much different order)

Flecks of gold in the sand (real gold: there had been a gold rush in this valley in the late 1800s

75- to 80-degree slopes … and they’re heavily forested

The droning of the river isn’t anything like the drone of a motor.

(the latter like an evil dentist dressed in black)

Nothing really matters right now, and that’s strange for me. Haven’t even heard classical music for three days now.

Coming through rainy North Cascades, this time stopping in Diabolo, Sourdough Trail (# whatever), “Sourdough Lookout 5,” thinking it’s been almost 25 years since he was up there (spotted the lookout, a tiny prick on a long monster loaf, snow still deep around it). Thinking how personal his work’s become to me — shit, I hadn’t even begun kindergarten when he was up here, how it would be another dozen years before approval as a national park or 20 before the North Cascades Highway opened (and that being closed each winter by snow) … how accessible all of this has become in the years since: yoga, Zen, too. Along with the setbacks: “14-year-old perfect master,” TM, Hare Krshna.

“a place that seems to have a more interesting past than its present”

30:VI

Home again

Air out sleeping bag, ground cloth, tent

Launder my smoky, sweaty clothes

Unpack and repack: sort through books and maps

So rare to have time to read: that sense of leisure

Yesterday, driving nearly 500 miles, a storm along the Columbia — the smell of summer rain and thunder — low clouds swirling, water gray, reminding me of the Hudson … should I have stayed on through the 4th and its mobs?

Rain in the orchard: how beautiful the back porch sounds …

~*~

From Spiralbound Cascadia with commentary.

 

When did I first discover that symphony?

Two Charles Ives quotes had me remembering that I borrowed the 2nd symphony from the Binghamton public library, but think it was the same Bernstein album of introduction I had perhaps taken out at my dorm’s library in Bloomington earlier or even before that from the Dayton Public Library while still in high school. It had a cool collage for a cover, which I’m unable to find online. Push Pin Studio? Oh, the days of vinyl, scratches and all!

I do remember being disappointed when the Cincinnati Symphony’s scheduled performance of the work conducted by Max Rudolf, which I could have heard on spring break, was instead replaced with a young James Levine at the helm in a different program, which a dear friend steered me away from. I still wish I had gone.

I would still love to hear it live, though that’s highly unlikely, at my age and remote location. It and its siblings should be in the repertoire of every American orchestra, the way Beethoven, Brahms, and Tchaikovsky are.

Still, I’ve had a custom of listening to the four symphonies each October, a private festival that usually spreads into the string quartets, piano sonatas, and so on. And I can even admit how much fun performing the songs in public can be.

~*~

As you can see, I admit to being a big Ives fan. He was not just a pioneering American composer but also a giant in the emerging insurance industry. If you want to know more, check out my longish Reflections at Chicken Farmer I Still Love You.

So just what if?

It’s a fair question to ask in looking back at this period. What were the possibilities and consequences if something had turned differently? For instance, what if?

I had found a girlfriend? Someone more supportive of me and my direction than I was finding in my tenuous marriage?

Agreed to a divorce? At the time, it was out of the question on my end, at least in my strict upbringing, but she clearly wasn’t committed to us. Or, as I’m sensing, even what she saw as her calling of fine art.

Where would Kitty have turned/gone if we split? Not my problem, apart from the ways she was relying on me for financial and emotional support – something I could now argue was draining me.

We had children? It would have meant less time to write for me for certainly demanded growing maturity. Would I have resented their intrusion and limits? I was yearning for something more than sex in our connection.

Moved to Ellensburg and commuted? I would have been physically and mentally exhausted. There would have been less time for writing or anything else, actually. I saw that in an esteemed coworker.

American Olympus been published by Copper Canyon? It would have been a breakthrough possibly out of my journalism career route. But poetry, as I’ve since seen, is a precarious life route.

There had been no circle of Quakers? Trying to bridge the distances between my “worldly” endeavors in the newsroom and my spiritual support in my private life was difficult enough. Unitarians might have inspired intellectual and even social progress visions but missed the essential intuitive grounding. Zen, as I’m seeing now, had its own limits. Living in isolation in the secular world, I would have been crushed.

A local poetry circle actually existed other than the rhyme tasters? I was truly in a wilderness here, chiseling away on a number of fronts, clueless about what was actually working apart from the reactions of a few editors off on the fringe.

I had not gotten the newsroom promotions? They did give me four weeks of vacation each year, which I’m seeing as the high points of my Yakima experience. But they came at a steep price during the rest of the year and gave a false promise of professional glory off somewhere later.

Had I followed Gil to New Jersey? He would have created me a step up the career ladder, though in the end, the route crumbled under him, too. There would have been no wilderness at hand for me, though a promise of reconnecting with the ashram. On the other hand, there were major Quakers and cultural activities. As for Kitty in this leap? It would have been one more upheaval before completing her degree, though maybe not all that different from the route that ultimately opened.

~*~

Once again, in reviewing these volumes: How much my sense or memory of the timeline of these has been off and now stands corrected.

In Zen Buddhism, so I’ve been told, engaging in “what if” speculation is considered a waste of time and attention. What do you think?

~*~

From Spiralbound Cascadia with commentary.